Not much is remembered about school in Jr. High and High school except fun with my friends floating in the canal, driving around, church camp, helping in the fields on the farm and seeing to the animals. I was aware of isolating more and more emotionally, sharing less and not feeling I had anyone to go to with feelings since on the outside my behavior did not appear confusing, I was alone. God knew my heart and fears and confusion. My parents thought I should go to a Christian College because it would be a good place for a young lady and I thought I should go there so I could get help for my mental health issues I was aware of, but was unable to define, sort out or figure out how to fix on my own. I felt very alone. Maybe that was a normal feeling for young people. I did go off to a Christian College from Idaho where I was raised to Oklahoma.
I lasted 1 and 1/2 year at the college. It was a new environment for sure with bugs I did not know about, chiggers and food I thought was spoiled, Hominy and then there was okra. I managed to finish the first year desperate to find mental health counseling but then the need for it would come and go since when one is switching it is easy to talk oneself out of there being anything wrong. Still God was with me and I had good roommates and good experiences at this college.
It wasn’t until the 3rd semester l that I become acutely aware that I was not functioning well. I had participated in Campus Crusade For Christ and enjoyed chapel but that wasn’t enough. One day I was walking across campus when I “woke up” and found I had my arms full of books and had no idea where I was going, what year it was or much of anything. I knew I needed help but would work on that tomorrow. I did not know where I lived but knew if I remembered a 2nd dorm I must live there so I followed an unknown feeling and managed to get back to the room I lived in. It was in the basement, in the corner across from the bathroom, had no sheets on the bed, didn’t look like anyone lived there, no roommate and a chair stuck in the space above the closet. Not knowing what else to do I pulled that chair out. It took a lot of work. I talked with a friend who was having mental health issues as well and agreed we needed to go to the mental health clinic to see a therapist for our individual issues or a preacher. The preacher was not available. They could not take any more students in the mental health clinic and suggested if needed to go to the hospital emergency room just down the road. And tell them what? And they would put me where? No way. I never told my parents of this. The next day I figured I needed to find out what I had missed in classes and so found a schedule, what year it was and where the classes were. I set off to find them. I talked with the first teacher and told them I was sorry I had been sick and needed to catch up. They said they thought I had withdrawn I had been gone all semester and it was now the end of the semester and I had failed. I was in shock!!! How did this happen, what was going on? I had no choices but to tell my parents I was headed home and not able to return. I don’t remember any discussion or response on their part. I do remember my mother tried to get me into a Bible college and when they did not accept me she wrote and told them they ruined my life. I often wonder what direction my life would have taken had I gone there?
I was now almost 20. I do not remember how I got home but knew God was with me. It was hard to sort out what I might need to do differently with God since things just were not clear and falling into place. What was I missing that He might be trying to get thru to me? Was this part of the problem of the confusion?
In the early summer I meet a guy I liked a lot and he was moving to Texas to attend seminary. I made plans to move to Texas to be near him. I moved from a small farming town to Texas to try to make a life for myself with or without this person. It lasted a week because I was in a foreign land again, a big city with buses and a lot of traffic and no friends. I was no stranger to feeling alone and isolated, confused and overwhelmed, but a part of me knew that wasn’t what I needed or wanted so I moved in with friends in a smaller town near by.